Falling

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Depending, of course, on where you stand, and how you choose to view things.

A cold front blew in last week and nearly knocked us sideways. A high of 52 degrees with a low down to a frosty 28 overnight brought us all back to reality with a quick jerk like a yappy little dog on a short leash running for the front sidewalk. You could see it in everyone's eyes that morning, you couldn't miss it, their eyes were all wide open with a stunned look of disbelief, as they scraped the car windshield and ran the car a bit longer than usual before driving in to work.

It always happens. We get lost in the lust of summer's heat, pretending it's the real thing, a lasting relationship instead of just a torrid fling, drunk with promises of more and better days ahead. Then we wake, alone, deserted in a cold bed, aware but not acknowledging the truth just yet.

It's easier this way, convincing ourselves summer still loves us, that she's coming back; that the changing colour of the leaves is only a bad dream, that the wisps of sweet smoke curling up from the chimneys in the cool morning nothing more than dramatic imagery for our private play. And she may yet return, briefly for certain if she does, but in the back of our minds we know. The curtain falls slowly but hard.

I've been battling a pretty good round of headaches over the last few weeks, after having had an amazing run of summer symptom-free. My eyesight took a great big hit, knocking me down and almost out, lost in a shadowy fog that would give way to an inordinate amount of visual noise that was ever present (and still is to a large degree) like the static on the old black and white tv after the late show ended and the station went off the air.

In my case it was faint, but still there, behind or in front of everything I saw - because it wasn't 'out there' it was and is 'in here,' not a sight related issue, but a perception one, something interfering with my brains ability to properly process what images my eyes were providing. Coupled with the shadows and faint bursts of light mixed in with the silky fibers of the floaters that have always been a part of my world...

The headaches were the easy part. You can take the edge off those with meds.

But when you close your eyes and seek refuge in darkness, hoping to hide away from the kaleidoscope turning constantly around you, and instead of peaceful, closed-eye stillness find those shadows and flashes of colour and motion have followed you inside, you fall into a hole of helplessness that takes some getting used to, and no idea how to climb out.

The constant, steady pounding is almost a relief at that point, as it lulls you nearer to acceptance and offers an escape should you be able to fall alseep, free from the codeine-induced itch and nausea and queasiness and heavy headed imbalance you've subjected yourself to in the hopes of finding that peaceful state of lowered consciousness.

It's an amazing perspective. People pay good money to find these hallucinations through chemical means, but they know they will come off that high and return to a new normal, never quite the same again, perhaps, but it's the risk they take.

I didn't choose to take that risk, but I'm playing the odds whether I like it or not, so I may as well enjoy the ride if I can. It would be a hell of alot more interesting if it were happening to someone else though.

Welcome to my fall so far. I'm longing for the pain-free days with that temptress and her scorching, empty promises, and hollow lies. But I'm also desperately in need of that steady, undying, real love that has always and will always be there for me, waiting patiently in the wings, for me to leave the childishness of summer behind for the realities of fall and the good and just changes she brings. When she wraps me in her tender embrace and holds and keeps me, safe, secure, and warm, as the cool air tickles the back of my neck and I adjust my collar and pull her closer as we walk, slowly towards home and its comfortable warmth.

If I stop and close my eyes, I know I can see it, if I try hard enough, and can block the rest of it out, I can see her and its all perfect, and I'm falling for her again.