Words of Remembrance for Mom

On Wednesday March 20^th, 2013 I shared the following Words of Remembrance with those in attendance at the funeral service for my mother, Roletta Parker – who passed away quietly and easily on Friday March 15 at the age of 71.  Mom was diagnosed with ALS/FTD (currently being addressed as Motor Neuron Disease (MND) which slowly, almost imperceivably, altered her thinking and social relationship abilities, then affected her memory and mobility, ultimately leaving her slowly running out of time like a watch forgotten to be wound.

We didn’t always see eye to eye, and I could be aggravated and frustrated by her actions and inactions at times, but that doesn’t diminish who she was or how she lived her life, nor does it take anything away from celebrating the life she lived while with us.  Time and patience help with understanding, and when able to see her world through the lens of the disease that shaped her reality, I could accept her and understand her choices and actions in a new and enlightened way.

The past 4-plus years of her illness allowed me to focus that clarity and to be at peace with the inevitable, a peace that comforted me and brought a serene calmness to the surreal events at the time of her final breath.  It was through that calm clarity that I sat down to capture a look back at her life to be able to share it with those gathered Wednesday afternoon.

Words of Remembrance

Roletta Lena Parker (1941-2013)

They say: "You never truly know someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes."

Thank you for coming today to help us celebrate the memory of Roletta's life. For those of you who don't know or don't remember - it has been quite a few years since I frequented this building on any regular basis - My name is Reid Parker, Reg and Roletta's second son, and I have been asked - okay nominated - to share a few brief words today in Remembrance of mom.

Before I begin though I want to take a moment to acknowledge the many calls and cards and casseroles and hugs and handshakes that we as a family have received over the last few days - your support and concern and condolences are very gratefully appreciated by all of us, especially dad during this difficult time.  Your continued support and community moving forward will be most welcome

As a child, it is difficult to really understand and comprehend what it means to be a parent, much less a mother, and it is only with time and having children of your own, that you begin to appreciate what you've been given: the values and principles and judgments and unconditional love that shaped who you've become. I'd like to take a few minutes today and try to walk a little ways in mom's shoes, to help us all get a better understanding of who she was and how she approached this world.

Roletta was born in Flin Flon, Manitoba on April 30th 1941, to parents Roland and Margretta Fox - Her given name a combination of both of their names: Roland and Margretta... She grew up in Manitoba and BC, the family finally settling back into the Birch River area of this province, north of Swan River.  Mom was the oldest of 5 children, and growing up in a farming community everyone in the family was expected to lend a hand and help out and being the oldest this meant helping with the younger siblings - and may have helped direct her when she left Birch River for Brandon to study to become a teacher.

She returned after graduation to teach in the one-room schools of Egremont and McKinley Schools - and it was during this return that she met dad and they began to date - and in Dec of 1961 they married, and soon moved down to Dauphin to begin their life together.

The next 9 years would see them build a family and a foundation here in town, Dad working for the Town of Dauphin, and mom raising 4 kids.  Looking back now with a parent's eyes and the passage of time, it could not have been easy to raise 4 kids on one income but that rural spirit and all hands pitching in mentality was what people in this community knew - and it was what we as kids learned early.  Mom always had a garden - a huge vegetable garden that provided food for a growing family as well as providing forced manual labour for poor defenseless children - we all have memories of hilling and weeding potatoes and picking beans and corn... to this day Roger still won't eat many vegetables!

The garden provided a winter's worth of canning and preparations in the fall, and mom always seemed to have a case of 'sealers' upturned on the kitchen counter cooling - jars of tomatoes and pickles, and jams and jellies.  The garden also provided mom with an opportunity to plant flowers and nurture them, something she enjoyed - probably as a means to escape the house full of loud kids - but also as an oasis of peace and nature right outside her door.  But that garden also provided us a place to play all winter when it was flooded into a huge skating rink and mom had to endure all our friends invading her house and the runny noses and cold feet and skate blades on the kitchen linoleum...

Mom also loved to sew and knit - again looking back now it probably grew out of necessity for the repairs of clothes for a growing family, then as we got older and more fashion conscious and wouldn't be caught wearing hand-me-downs - her sewing and knitting and needlecraft became a hobby  - and a source of sometimes amusing Christmas gifts. 

It's okay - you can laugh about it, we all have something hanging in our closets or packed away somewhere that she made- it was the thought behind the gift that counts.

Her sewing and cooking and canning won her many awards at the Fair over the years, but we remember more the smell of fresh baked bread in the house and the plates of homemade fudge - we've tried but I don't think any of us have been able to make that fudge recipe the way she did...

  

Mom also liked to draw and paint and used these interests as a way to center herself and keep some quiet time in her days - a daily time for herself that she always maintained.  She loved to read and would always walk to the library bringing back bags of books weekly - first with kids in tow then on her own - reading for knowledge and for recreation - but always 2 or 3 books on the go - sometimes back and forth between them, as well as puzzles and crosswords and various other brain teasers.  Learning was a lifelong pursuit.

Now her cooking and love of learning didn't always come together in what I would call successful ways - Mom has more cookbooks than Martha Stewart - and she was always reading and trying new recipes and new 'healthier' ways to feed her family - and maybe I was a bit stubborn as a child...maybe.  But lentils and soy beans and chick peas...? I'm sorry... No.

Again though, looking back, she wasn't trying to harm us or scar us for life - she was only trying to provide the best for her family.

As that family got older and all the kids were finally in school, Roletta had more time for interests outside the home - and volunteered for many years here with the United Church Women's Auxiliary - serving on the board in various capacities - and taught Sunday School for a while - again - this was probably more of a spy mission to make sure Randy Roger and I weren't wrecking the place downstairs,

but seriously the Church was central to her beliefs and especially in her approach to parenting and guiding us as children, providing a framework for the principles and values of what it means to become responsible productive members of a congregation and community and society.  Every Sunday we were here, listening, learning, absorbing the lessons and teachings, and she would reinforce them at home - she strived for a period of daily devotion and to impart that message to us while we were still young enough to easily accept it - and again, looking back now, as much as it seemed to be a painful process as a child, it certainly didn't hurt us as we became adults...

Socially mom and dads's circle of friends grew and was reinforced through the countless hours spent chasing and supporting the kids - first with skating and swimming lessons with Regina and Randy then with hockey and baseball for Roger and I - and there are many memories of hotel rooms and buses and hockey trips and the parents together sharing a few beverages and more than a few laughs.

Mom liked to laugh and tell stories and to be part of the group - though her repertoire of tales was limited and repeated often - and ALWAYS involved some embarrassing moment or story about one of us - and like any mother she would find the most awkward point in the conversation with all your friends around to tell the story about you... I think it's a mother's gift.

As the family slowly departed home for higher study and occupations and lives of our own, mom's focus continued to shift and evolve, the curling she and Reg enjoyed for many years gave way due to knee problems, but was replaced with golfing and 5-pin bowling - recreation and social pursuits that they shared together and in separate men's and women's leagues.  Healthy competition and constant personal improvement - though I still don't know how she hit a golf ball with that swing...

I think I came by that stubbornness naturally...

With her children married and with children of their own, mom and dad assumed the roles of Grandma and Papa and the caring for another generation, but this time a step removed from the front lines, and baby-sitting and after school care and weekends looking after grandkids became regular parts of their lives. The lessons and values and principles that we were given as kids were passed along once more.

The last few years saw Roletta slowly losing ground to the double whammy of ALS and Motor Neuron Disease which began to slowly take her mentally and then physically from this world.  She accepted her situation with resolve and determination and continued to keep active as best she could - knitting and reading and being a part of the family, still living at home.  She gained members of a new and caring family as the disease progressed and Home Care became a regular part of Mom and Dad's lives, and we are forever thankful for the loving care she received.

Peacefully last Friday she passed away.

As I was going through things in the house these last few days - the stories, the photographs, the memories - trying to find the words to share with you today, I came across this poem, torn out of who knows where, on the computer desk downstairs, and I wanted to close with it's words:

A Little Step Away - O J Hanson

To close the eye, to fall alseep,

to draw a labored breath,

to find release from daily cares

in what we know as Death

Is this the crowning of a life,

the aim or end thereof?

The totaled sum of consciousness,

The ripened fruit of love?

It cannot be, for works of God

are wrought for nobler ends

and those away continue on

In the hearts of kin and friends.

It cannot be for they live on

A Little Step Away

The soul, the everlasting life

Has found a better day.

We haven't walked a mile in her shoes today, not even more than a few steps.

But I think when we stop and look back at the footprints she left behind, we can find them throughout all of our lives.  They weren't always easy to see.  They were hidden at times beneath our own, guiding us along at other times, but always there in who we were and who we have become. 

 Thanks Mom, for everything...