A Week of Gratitude - Day 2

For today's list of things I am grateful for, I want to turn inward and look at 3 important things that we all share but don't usually consider much until we are having problems.

Firstly, I am grateful for:

1. My sense of curiosity.  

My overwhelming drive daily is to seek understanding in whatever form it takes, regardless of what activity I find myself engaged in.  Curiosity comes with a desire to solve problems and get to the heart of how things really are, how they work, why they aren't like something else, and why things matter and/or have value.  Related to investigation, exploration and learning it is that basic drive to 'know.'  Without it I wouldn't be who I am, I wouldn't ask the questions I do, wouldn't do the work I do and I wouldn't observe the world around me in the same way that I always have. I wouldn't be drawn to learning new things or examining old ways and practices - and I think this is closely related to imagination and creativity. In reality, I think my sense of curiosity is connected to everything I do.

I didn't choose to be this way so I know nothing else, and find it hard to contemplate a being without such a drive - this might explain my constant search for peace of mind!

I'll have to look into that... :D


Secondly, I am grateful for:

2. The range of emotions I get to experience and feel.  

Now I realize that for most of us emotions are an after-thought, a reaction to events and circumstances happening to us and we take them for granted.  Everyone has them, everyone feels them, and everyone has unique ways of dealing with them and expressing them.

For me I have come to see emotions as a gift, a signal or call to act or think or behave in a certain way depending on the situation.  Beyond the basic pain/pleasure spectrum most of our emotions are a choice, though we don't usually think of them that way, but once we learn to see them in that light, they can be used to serve us rather than us serving them.  This is key if we want to feel like we have control over how we feel vs blaming everything around us for affecting our mood and our attitude.  Choosing how to interpret the meaning of your emotions is key.  Choosing to focus on the positives in a situation vs the negatives is as well.

The range of emotions we can feel is pretty vast, and the subtle nuances between some of them can really indicate what is driving us at any particular point in time. They are a feedback of how I am interacting with the world and constantly provide a source of information for me to process and decide whether to act on the information or stay the course.  But in order to have control over the emotional feedback you have to be paying attention to the signals or focussing on them at some level to be aware that you are receiving them.  Then you have to know that you have a choice how to react, and trust that you can choose.  But it isn't easy.  Too much focus (or stubbornness) on getting something done, or being tired or run down, too many demands on my time and attention can quickly sink me back into reactionary mode vs choosing how to feel about something.  It's a lesson I constantly keep reminding myself to practice.  But I am grateful that I have that opportunity.


And this leads directly into my third item to choose to be grateful for today:

3. My 5 basic senses.

In order to feel anything, we have to be aware of something.  Pretty basic stuff, but also pretty deep if you stop and think about that simple statement, because at the heart of feeling anything at all, is an understanding that it is directly related to whatever it is you are being aware of; whatever it is you are focussing on.  So it follows that if you change your focus you will change what and how you are feeling.  Unless we're talking headaches and reactive type pain - but even then, I'm convinced that if you can shift your focus enough you can negate or distract yourself from some of that 'pain' feedback.

Or drink more rum.  Whichever.

But seriously - feeling boils down to being aware of something, and that is where the 5 basic senses come in.  Yes I know science has identified a boat-load of more basic senses, but I am talking strictly the Big 5. Sight, Sound, Smell, Taste, and Touch.  These are the immediate ways we take in information around us and all 5 are sending feedback to us constantly, allowing us to choose our focus and react accordingly.

If you've ever lost one of your 5 basic senses for any length of time, you know how important that sense is.  Like when you're sick and stuffed up and can't smell things properly, or if you've always had to wear glasses and decided to have corrective surgery - suddenly the world is a different place!  Colors, sounds, tastes, textures.  The world would be a very dull, lifeless place without being able to sense these differences and qualities.  Eating would be a chore if everything tasted the same.  Music would be pointless.  Communication impossible.

Not everyone has all 5.  And that's not fair. And more to the point that's why I am grateful for my 5 main senses and everything they allow me to experience and discover constantly.


Tomorrow I think I'll look outward a bit for my next 3 choices.

A week of Gratitude - Day 1

To begin this week long exercise of listing three things each day for which I am grateful, I want to start back where it all began for me, and that is with

1. The Family I was born into

Whether I chose the time and place or whether it was the miracle of circumstance mixed with fate, the end result was the same, and for that I am most grateful.  Growing up in a family that didn’t know divorce or violence or any number of the afflictions that allow Jerry Springer to have a television career is something I took for granted, but now see as a great cornerstone for my life so far.  Learning to exist within a family and how to compromise and deal with shared experiences and limited time and resources shaped me into who I am becoming.  I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for the people most closest to me and most influential in my early development.  It would be easy then to list off my parents and my siblings as other things I am grateful for, but I’m going to leave them lumped here together and move on.

As much as Family had an important role in helping form the earliest of my character, I next want to focus my gratitude on

2. All the Teachers I have met so far along my journey

I’m lumping a lot of people into one small category and it would probably be most productive for me to delve deeper into this list later but for now I want to acknowledge all those who I have had the pleasure of coming into contact with who have given me something of themselves and their knowledge and abilities to help me grow and learn.  I was fortunate to have a motley crew of early teachers in school – the good, the bad and the ugly – this allowed me to figure out how to learn when the teacher and I didn’t always connect,  and gave me a greater appreciation for those that were natural at reaching kids and imparting their love of knowledge.  But teachers aren’t only found in schools or colleges or Universities and some of my best teachers have been complete strangers who have provided me with opportunities to grow as a person through the mundane and regular activities of everyday life.  The cashier at the grocery store having a rough day and not really being present during our transaction; the receptionist at the doctor’s office who’s grace under pressure never ceases to amaze me; the patient father at the rink with 3 young kids in tow watching their oldest brother play who somehow keeps everything in balance and in perspective…

To all of you I owe at least my heartfelt thanks.

And lastly this morning I want to state how grateful I am for

3. the Freedom we possess in this society

To be able to do something as simple as create this list is something we take for granted and hold it to be self-evident but we know this isn’t the case for a great majority of those that share this planet.  It is one of the greatest gifts we have given each other.  To be free to move without restriction, to think about whatever and however we chose, to experience the world around us as easily as we do is truly remarkable once we step back and realize how many people can not – for a variety of reasons and circumstances.  It should be available to all, but we know it isn’t, and we know it doesn’t come without a cost, and for this I am truly thankful. Freedom to choose, to disagree, to help, to hurt, to ignore, to become involved, to learn, to grow, to give, to love…

The genesis of this list of gratitude is really predicated on the enormous number of freedoms we have, and I am certain I could write pages in support of this aspect of my life, but I want to keep this daily list manageable – both in terms of you being able to read it and comment on it, and also for me to be able to write it!

I’ll ponder more about these three today and see where it takes me.

A week of Gratitude

I have been nominated by a good friend Teresa Roy to write a post each day for the next week listing 3 things for which I am grateful. The goal of these kinds of challenges is to quietly and slowly change the way we see our world; shifting away from the consumer-oriented “more stuff equals happiness” towards the centered, inward focused appreciation of all that surrounds us on a regular basis. By taking stock of the abundance around us which we often take for granted, we can change our perspective and our clarity and ultimately manifest a more balanced interaction with our world.

It is easy to do these types of personal inventories with little regard to their outcomes or to quickly write down the first things that pop into your head (not a bad way to begin if you’re stuck) or to hide behind the cover of humor instead of really digging into who we are and learning more about what makes us tick. We’ve all been guilty of doing this at one time or another. It is far easier to just skim the surface of a personal reflection than to get in there and do the heavy lifting. But we’re only cheating ourselves if we take the short cut.

If you’ve been following my Random reidings for any period of time you know that I’m not usually afraid to dig deeper into those dark recesses of my self to expand my understanding of my world, and on the way by, draw conclusions and summaries of what I’ve seen or pieced together hoping you can find some greater understanding of yourself through my observations. I have always seen and watched my world through some observational role, constantly making notes of everything; processing it all on subconscious levels, finding patterns, drawing conclusions, testing theories – without once thinking about it. It’s what I’ve always done, it’s what I’ve always known.

And you wonder why I get migraines?

So in that vein, come with me over the next 7 days as I dig down into what I am really grateful for in my life. No, this won’t be just a quick three line post each day – I think you know me better than that by now. I’ll provide some depth and reflection to this to help take advantage of the exercise and to cement those feelings of gratitude so they become real, daily reminders of the important things around me. And hopefully I’ll jog something in you on the way by, something that causes you to stop and reflect and notice things more closely. If you can, don’t just read and then like my post, but comment on it, provide some feedback and some context so we can discuss things as we go. That way we can all progress together.

Because really, that’s my ultimate goal: To help everyone around me (by starting with myself first) grow and learn more about themselves and each other so we can all move forward together making our world a better place as we go.

The Play's the Thing

A steady slow soaking rain to start the Sunday, the summer slipping away again.  The tops of the trees are showing more yellows and browns than a week ago and the over-night lows are back in the 'almost need a light jacket' range.  Students heading back to school next week and though the calendar insists we still have another 3 weeks, it seems like Fall is ready to return to her throne to ease us back into the comforts and certainty of our routines and schedules.

We took advantage of the city's cultural offerings these last couple weeks, theatre to be exact, first catching a stunning performance of Wicked, as the latest North American tour set up shop in town for almost 2 weeks at the Centennial Concert Hall.  Then last  Wednesday we enjoyed a local production of Disney's the Little Mermaid at the semi-outdoor Rainbow Stage in Kildonan Park.  A contrast of audiences and show types to be sure, but both shows reminded us of the depth and variety of talents our fellow humans possess, and of the power of story telling to entertain and distract, and why the arts are important.

Transporting audiences to another conscious level through acting, song and accompanied orchestral score is no small feat.  The talents and skills of hundreds of people are needed to successfully produce a 2 plus hour show flawlessly night after night, performance after performance, teamwork of the highest order that culminates in a seamless journey into the fantasy world created on stage. Behind the costumes and make up, ordinary people delve deep to find the passion and the poise to become something or someone other than who they normally are, slipping into and out of characters to delight and amaze, to tell stories and to entertain audiences familiar with their roles.

We get lost in their performances, and accept the absurd and the fantastical without question, delighting in the dialogue, the humour and the banter. Transfixed, we watch in awe as soaring voices and mastered instruments become one in song; solo and ensemble furthering the storyline in grand, and at times unbelievable, fashion.  Until, at the show's finale, we stand and applaud their efforts, selflessly giving our approval and acceptance and heartfelt gratitude for their hard work and determined effort, and then we return to the familiar and routine, enriched by the experience and moved on levels we weren't expecting.
The theatre. A grand art form of shared experience.

Sandwiched between the two shows last week, we learned of my aunt's passing after suffering a massive heart attack, likely linked to the stroke she had suffered 2 weeks earlier at home, where she and her husband were valiantly dealing with her progressively worsening condition.  Like my mom, my aunt had inherited one of the genetic mutations recently discovered to be somehow responsible for ALS, and in this mutation's case, with or without Fronto-temporal Dementia, and or with or without Parkinsonian symptoms.

My aunt battled breast cancer before the signs and symptoms of Parkinson's appeared, and then the dementia slowly crept in too... The timing of her passing in the midst of this summer's ALS Ice Bucket Challenge campaign is notable, especially in our family where the disease(s) are now known to exist.

We attended her funeral last Thursday and in the soaring spaces of the church's sanctuary we listened as her children shared their stories and recollections of her life, working through their loss to find meaning and purpose in their mother's time here with them.  Friends and colleagues shared stories of their times together, of her many years touching lives if children as an early years educator, front and center in the development of future character.  Through song and scripture we sat and contemplated her life and our remembrances of her, of them, of family.

The formality of service makes for quiet contemplation, and as I sat and listened to the outpouring of emotion and the sharing of lessons learned and the ways in which she had affected those around her, I was struck by how different the person being portrayed at the front of the church seemed from the person I had known personally, my interactions and memories influenced and affected by my experiences no doubt, and also I'm sure, by the distance both physical in terms of growing up in different cities, but also spiritually as well - my aunt and uncle having "found Jesus Christ in 1963" as we would be reminded on numerous occasions during the funeral and afterward as we enjoyed refreshments and mingled communally in the church gymnasium...

Whatever you need to help you deal with this reality, I guess.  If it works for you and brings you peace and happiness? Go for it.  

Of course no funeral has ever truly allowed those in the pews to fully realize the nature and true character of the dearly departed. We gloss over the less than pretty warts and scars to which all lives are prone, and we focus instead on the virtues and traits that elevate our final memories of our loved one and serve to give us comfort and closure; meaning and sense from the pain and sorrow.  A life reduced to summary, edited for detail and milestones, punctuated with personal insight and anecdote. Music and song and verses and scripture to tell the story of a life well lived.  An audience solemnly seated in the wooden rows, listening to shared private experiences.

Shakespeare was correct:

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances..."
As You Like It, Act II Scene VII


The theatre.  A funeral. The arts.  Costumes and characters and make up and elaborate sets. Scores and scripts and scenery. Song and dance and storey lines; Joy and sorrow, drama and comedy.  This play has it all.  Let's see what talents we possess.  Show them what you can do. You don't have all day though, get out of the audience and up on stage before the curtain falls.  There won't be an encore...

I just won the lottery!

Some days change your life in ways you never fully expect or understand until some time has passed and things can be seen with greater clarity.  The day I had my table saw accident and subsequently had a good portion of my middle finger removed by the plastic surgeon is one of those days.  You learn things about yourself and how you view the world and your place in it at times like that.  At least I know I did.  Other days you life changes instantly and you know it right then and there.  No need to wait and ponder the events, no deeper understanding needs to be developed.

Today was one of those days. I won the lottery this morning.

I know, it doesn’t sound real.  Trust me.  I had to pinch myself to make sure I heard the news correctly at first too.  Oh wait – no – not THAT lottery – don’t come asking for money or camping out on our front step pretending to be related to us – and for those of you who are related to us – yeah, even if it were THAT lottery you’d still be SOL.  No I’m talking about a bigger lottery and one that many people would gladly pay enormous sums to win if they could have the opportunity to do things over.

Many of you will know that last year we lost my mom to ALS and FTD – a combination of motor neuron disease that steals away muscle’s ability to grow and thrive until eventually you are left in some state of paralysis and certain respiratory failure, and also a nasty form of brain atrophy that affects an individual’s cognitive and decision making abilities depending on areas affected, robbing them of their former character and personality.  It is a brutal spectrum-type disorder that can also manifest Parkisonian symptoms as well.

What many of you didn’t know is that her condition was inherited and she received mutated genetic material from her father who suffered a similar fate years earlier.  In this genetic mutation’s case, the traits are passed down in an autosomal dominant fashion, meaning that children of an afflicted individual will have a 50/50 chance of having that same affliction.  

This particular genetic mutation is rare.  And from all research to date having the mutation means one will develop the disease spectrum at some point in their lifetime.  No cure.  No known treatment or drugs to help alleviate symptoms.  No idea when it will begin to strike, or in what capacity.  And if you have it, you are at risk of passing it on to your children.

So for me (and my brothers and sister) I either got mom’s corrupted gene, or I got dad’s, which by all accounts and anecdotal family medical history should be clean. 

A 50/50 chance.

A flip of life’s coin.

Not just for me, but also for my son potentially.

It’s been news that I have sat with, lived with, thought about and pondered for a year and a half since we got the news about mom’s positive test results months before she passed away.

I apologize for not being as present during that period of time as maybe I should have been or could have been.  You’ll forgive me if I seemed distracted or distant or if maybe my behavior seemed ‘different’ or ‘odd.’  I didn’t mean to be.  I was dealing with a decision that needed careful thought and deliberate intention.

Genetic testing was offered to all at-risk family members.  I was an early proponent for being tested, as soon as I knew I was at risk, I wanted to know what I might be dealing with.  Not everyone in my family shared my desire for knowledge, and I respect that.  We each have our own road to travel in this lifetime.  What is right for me may not be right for anyone else.

I get that totally, and completely respect the decision not to get tested.  It is a difficult choice for many to try and make.  It isn’t easy navigating the possible outcomes or ramifications of the disease and it’s effect on those around you, on your lifestyle, on your career…

But for me, I HAD to know. I need information in order to make decisions – I trust my intuition only so far – and I can’t plan if I don’t have all the facts.  So after ensuring I knew as much as I possibly could about the science and the disease pathology and similar genetic testing methodologies and in consultation with the Medical Director of Genetics and Metabolism at our largest hospital, I chose to get tested this past spring.

I got my results this morning in person.  Karen and I waiting as the doctor opened the sealed envelope and read the results to himself before turning to us.

“Congratulations! You just won the lottery.”

I am not at risk.  I am not a carrier of the mutated section of genetics.  I did not pass this disease along to Riley…

For the past few months I have been moving forward in life with a gut level sense of the results coming back positive.  Not in an anxious, worrying about the results kind of way, but I think as a means of preparing myself for the possibility of what I might have heard this morning if I had lost the coin toss.  A way of dealing with the possible eventuality should it come to pass.  A way of sorting out the issues for myself and providing a sense of understanding what it all means in the grandest scheme possible.

It was not a waste of my time or my energy to do so.  In fact, it was what I absolutely needed to do to be prepared to face the news one way or the other.  And now I know.

I won the lottery today.  The bank account doesn’t look any different than it did yesterday, but the future looks considerably brighter, and I am far more richer than I was.    

The nature of things

A slightly breezy June morning, the sun trying to find its way around and through the light cloud cover, the trees dancing in time to the music in the wind – everything is green again and it seems like maybe we’re safe to say it will soon be summer.  The evenings are still cool but the mid-day sun is packing a punch of refreshing warmth that will later intensify to the point where we may dare to call it too hot, but after the winter we experienced, we’ll take our chances.  And so it’s June, school here is almost done for another year and I’ve been gone from here too long, busy with changes again.

Or maybe still.  The changes this time around are many and at times have overlapped to the point where we’ve been forced to just accept life is lived inside a construction site some times, and I’m grateful that no one has plotted a mutiny, not that anyone could blame them – but still, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been spared this long only because they need me around to finish the job…

Change for the sake of change is what this appears to those on the outside, enlarging the kitchen by way of relocating the stairs and walls that originally kept this house a series of distinct rooms, each with a singular purpose, connected yet still apart.  A few weeks of coordinated demolition took care of that, and after careful reconstruction we have the bones of a unified space that flows between areas, allowing light and air to circulate and for us to be everywhere and nowhere all at once.  I was looking at old pictures of the house from when we bought it 19 years ago, and save for 3 original doorway locations, it doesn’t resemble it’s former self in any respect.  By the time I finish this project, there will not be any space we haven’t touched, altered, refined or relocated. 

I’m reminded of that philosophical question all first-year students are asked to consider: if you take your brand-new car and replace it piece by piece with new and identical parts – at what point does it cease to be the same car?  Or does it remain the same regardless?  From the street, from the aerial view, and from almost every vantage point inside this building, it is not the same house it was before it became ours.  But yet it is and always will be. Gradual changes do not seem to reduce the nature of things, though we know on some level that things are not what they were, not different, not the same.

And so it is with us – like the car in that philosophy question, physically we have undergone many complete changes of the basic building blocks of human existence as our cells die and get replaced, yet we are still who we were, just older perhaps, age and growth of course alter appearances, but the underlying you-ness remains.  Mentally though I’m not sure the comparison remains valid, as this seems to be the area in which we can more easily measure larger changes over time, and where it seems more likely you could argue that we do not remain that which we were.  We age and we grow, but we’re still us.  Same, but different. 

And so it is with the house, to those of us who see the changes day by day and who will experience the results of those changes for years to come, that this round of changes is not just for the sake of change but has been planned and designed to increase our enjoyment and efficiency of our time here, mindful of what we had and what we endured along the way inside these walls, all the while maintaining the history of the structure in balance with the new additions. 

Bigger, more useful spaces offset by reductions in areas that create more intimate spaces.  Growth and alterations that remove signs of age yet will, in time, show their age.  Postponing the inevitable perhaps. Different, but same.

Like Spring now turning into Summer, life is all about changes.  Many small, gradual ones that over time amount to something bigger and more noticeable, like the bare trees, which are now green.  The petals from the blossoms have fallen, about to be replaced with fruit; the flowers busy bursting with color and texture.  The grass grows high and we mow it down to size to keep it manageable.  Exams are being written, and soon the school doors will be thrown open and the kids will be free for a few months to forget what they learned over the previous ten, until they return in the Fall.

It’s June.  And we’re talking changes.  Constant, natural, evident ones in the trees and flowers on the outside, and for some of us deliberate, planned, and sometimes less obvious ones on the inside.  Both types move us forward closer to our goals, further to the ultimate design and when the dust settles long enough for us to see things clearly, it’s obvious that we are all really just carpenters in this lifetime, each of us building lives as we go. Hopefully we finish the job before our deadline.

Cats and crooked oaks

It's after 4 and I'm awake thanks to the low rolling rumble of that massive Russian transport plane that lands here monthly or thereabouts, a refuelling stop on its journey over the top of the world; a middle of the night, under the cover of darkness pitstop for a tired crew but now the stale sleepless air of the darkened room seems heavier and more uncomfortable, and my foggy brain contemplates returning to sleep as I shift and turn and flip the pillow to uncover the cool fresh side, hoping to quell the rising storm of random thoughts beginning to call for my attention.      I know it's pointless so I shuffle into the blackness and down the hall, a sliver of moon or maybe streetlight falling across the far end, giving me just enough hope of not stubbing my toe as I navigate the shadows to the front room.  In the shadows I can make out the black cat curled upon his post and he lifts a furry head at my hand's direction and satisfied at finding me at the other end of the outstretched arm, returns his head between his paws and turns deeper into his unfinished task.  The darkness outside is beginning to lighten, revealing the crooked oak across the street, stars still dot the sky above and twinkle through the swaying branches, though the morning's dawn will soon begin to consume them and I think about the day ahead, the possibilities and responsibilities and wonder if once it concludes if I'll feel more content with where I am and what I'm doing, or if maybe tomorrow will just bring more of the same.  The other cat silently appears and joins me on the couch, kneading and pulling at my blanket as he searches for the perfect spot to settle somewhere on my feet, taking more of my discomfort with every longer stretch until he's buried deep between the folds.  It's simple really if you watch them and their approach to life, just being what they are without any pretense or airs or questioning of its validity.  Meeting needs as they arise, fulfilling their purpose ever-present, sliding simply between being and doing until the line blurs to perfection.  A muted yawn and one last stretch and he slips back into sleep not yet prepared to face a day that hasn't yet arrived, and it becomes clear that we could learn much if we'd only get out of our own way...