A Week of Gratitude - Day 7

Final day of the week of listing three things I am grateful for.  For many people these kinds of lists and gratitude journals (if the lists become habit-forming and a daily reminder to find the good and the awesome in everything around us) are eye-opening in their ability to alter ones focus on the positive and good around them everyday. In many corners, society has become a bitch session and we can get caught up in the drama and negativity being shared instead of letting it pass on by and not taking any ownership or burden of it personally.

We all know people who seem to be perpetually stuck under a dark rain cloud, nothing is ever good enough, or always going wrong, and they never seem to have an end to all the things they can complain about or reasons why their lives are just so difficult.

I can't be bothered with them anymore.

Sure we all have days when things just don't seem to be going in our favour, and yes, we all bitch about things from time to time - but there comes a point when you have to look in the mirror and suck it up and accept that it's your life, and you are the only one who is going to live it.  I can find enough negative energy in my own life if I look deep enough, I don't need anyone else's weighing me down.

And neither do you.  So I hope if you have done a list like this or are thinking about doing one, that you make the shift to seeing the bright side - because there always is one - and looking at things from various perspectives until you see that every situation and circumstance holds the seeds of happiness and contentment.

So today I want to give my thanks for

1. The various Job Experiences and Clients I have had the pleasure to work with over the years.

Each one has taught me something - not every one left me with a warm fuzzy happy feeling at the end of the project - and that's okay, I was still able to take something positive away from those experiences to change or concentrate on differently the next time, helping me change and grow and become more proficient and efficient in the process.

I have gained skills and perspectives from all the trades and clients I have worked with and alongside, understanding how and why they do what they do and to what end, and it has given me a much better understanding of what people want and why and how best to serve others while still enjoying the work being done.  That wasn't an overnight lesson, nor was it always easy to implement, but it is something I am trying to teach Riley (and others) though I know he will need to find  his own way to that realization in his own time, but if I can help him get there even just a little bit sooner than he would have on his own it will be a success.


2. I am grateful for the friendships I have.

Life is not a solitary journey, and it gets much easier when we share the load and let others help us when we need it - and even when we don't think we do - and we are all better off when we share our experiences and magnify them collectively.  Friends are your support, your reinforcements, your foundation - they will be there when you need them, and they will lift you up and carry you to greater heights, but you need to be a friend too - though we all know people who seem to be selflessly giving of them selves to all who ask - if we look closer we will find that they also have a need to be supported and looked after from time to time themselves, and we owe it to ourselves as well to be there when called upon.

I have an awesome group of friends - near and far - some I have never met face to face - but that doesn't lessen the impact and importance they play in my life - and I would not not be where I am today without their support, feedback, persistence and kicks in the ass when needed!  My life is richer for the diversity and depth of the friends I keep, and I believe they are a reflection of me, mirroring the traits and beliefs and characteristics that make me who I am.  I only hope I am fulfilling my end of the bargain as well.


and lastly, I am grateful for

3. Today.

Right here, right now.  It's all I will ever have, all I will ever need.  Knowing that and accepting that is paramount to living in the present and doing what needs to be done now, for the benefit of later, letting the past be what it was, learning from it and choosing wisely moving forward into the next now.  Where I go from here is up to me, but it all starts right now, right here, with what I choose to think about, focus on and believe about my reality.  To have that kind of power at my disposal constantly is humbling and exciting at the same time.

So whether it's cold and grey or hot and sunny - it's all good.

I'm just fine in my own skin.  I don't need to be anybody else, and if it all ends today, I'd be more than fine with that too.

A Week of Gratitude - Day 6

Jumping right into the list today:

1. Nature.

I'm fortunate to live in a smaller sized, green city, situated at the junction of two rivers.  From the air it appears to be a mass of parkland, the neighbourhoods and streets lost in swaths of lush, green foliage (unless it's winter - then that green turns brown, turns white!). And we do have a large percentage of our city land set aside as park and recreation areas which further increases the perception of living in a prairie forest.

The benefits are numerous.  Aside from the outdoor activities supported within such an urban oasis, the abundance of birds and wildlife that share our city eases the harsh edges of cold concrete and softens the inevitable noise created from its inhabitants.  On a personal level, our back yard is bounded on three sides by other lots, and buffeted around its edges by walls of trees - creating a private green space worlds away from the hustle and energy of the streets.

Nature provides a refuge for our souls, a location where we can reconnect to the natural rhythms and cycles we've lost as we've become city dwellers. For me it's critical to have that space and place to regroup and recenter, and I am grateful I do not have to venture further than my back door to arrive there.



2. Architecture.

As much as I need nature to feel human, I also have a need to be close to or have direct access to well designed structures and buildings.  Humans interact with their surroundings and are influenced by their spaces.  Good design promotes harmony and sustains the human relationship with the space.  Poor design inhibits it.  A well designed building might be compared to a work of art, form and function blended seamlessly with intelligent choice of materials and texture.  A poorly designed building? Not so much.  

Winnipeg is home to the largest collections of turn of the 20th century commercial architecture outside of Chicago and was known for years as the Chicago of the North. A walking tour of the district today is a step back in time, but it is a refreshing trip that allows you to immerse yourself in the intricate details and craftsmanship of the period, something missing in many of today's new building projects. The history and artistry of the craft has given way to speed and economy.  Cheap and fast to maximize profits...

But it's not just old, well designed buildings that I am thankful for, I appreciate cutting edge designs and integration with surrounding landscapes as much or more so.  We are blessed with an abundance of land up here, yet we still design and build as if we are restricted by space, and most designs look out of place in size and scale.  When you come across a building that fits into and complements it's environment, you know it even without realizing why it speaks to you... 



3. Travel.

I am grateful to be in the time and place I am these days, to have the ability to travel at will (finances allowing!) and to experience different places, cultures and lifestyles.  Travel is freedom.  It is adventure and expanding your horizons and broadening your understanding of how people work and live in places different than where you are from.  It is history and geography and sightseeing and a way to make this planet just a little bit smaller through hands-on experience.   Travel allows me to deepen my understanding of the differences and diversity that exist all around us, giving a context to the subtleties and nuances between us that can be fundamental in how we see and perceive each other.

Travel is a choice, and a lifestyle in a sense, and it forces one to prioritize other areas in order to allow the time and expense of visiting new places, or familiar ones repeatedly... :D. And it will never get old!

A Week of Gratitude - Day 5

It's Sunday, and day 5 of listing three things I am grateful for.  I'm fighting a migraine which is fitting given yesterday's list, and I'm not in the best of writing head spaces, but I do have three things I want to list today.

1. The Arts.

Collectively, singularly, however you want to break them down or define them, whatever you want to include or whatever you feel might better be labelled something else, I am thankful that as a society we support the expression of each others creativity.  Theatre, dance, orchestras, artists, live performances of all manner - anything that expresses human emotion and experience, whether for entertainment or for engagement - I don't want to imagine a world void of such colour, context and commentary.

Through expression and interpretation we discover and relate to the world around us.  We shape our understandings through our experiences, our realities skewed by our perceptions.  Exposure to another's reality pushes our boundaries and forces us to reconsider our beliefs and our understandings.  We can be transported from the mundane routine of normalcy by a performance, or we can find deeper, fuller meaning in the stillness and quiet as we contemplate works of art.  Whatever we find or feel, our lives are enriched and transformed, even if only in passing.

And from here it isn't a stretch to get to my next item,


2. Diversity

I'm talking broad strokes in all it's forms here.  It's our differences that make us human.  We are each unique and bring different talents and ideas and experiences to everything we do, with everyone we interact.  How boring and useless would life be if we were all identical beings, exact copies of each other, integrated, united, homogeneity? No unique thought?  No individual preferences? No variations in style, appearance, taste or function?

Bah!  No. Never!

I may not agree with your point of view, but I am grateful you have one and that it differs from mine!
Same goes for your history, your ethnicity, your customs and your future.  The multitude of variations and subtle differences among us and between us is what makes life worth living, worth embracing, worth exploring.  They are the reason we have language and communication, so that we may interact with each other with greater understanding, for cooperation and mutual benefit.

Our differences make us stronger.

And that leads me to my third item today,


3. Unspoken Understanding and Acceptance.

We see this usually in close relationships between people or small groups - the shared understanding and agreement that needs no words.  A glance and a nod are all that is needed and both parties instinctively know and understand and agree together on the topic or issue at hand.  Couples develop this trait, so do parents and children.  You know that look mom would shoot you when she wanted you to stop whatever it was you were doing or else - and you understood what it meant.  Your survival depended on it!

But we can develop this type of understanding and acceptance on a larger scale too, in groups with shared beliefs and common goals.  And when this happens we can elevate the consciousness and connectedness of the group and can accomplish great things with less effort.  But it requires carefully attuned focus and concentration and a willingness to share with each other - in short in needs a level of trust in each other that provides safety and security for each other.  And it doesn't exist well where fear is present.

And I think that's why when I experience situations where real communication is no longer necessary to provide understanding, it just feels 'right.'  It's a connection in the truest sense of the word, effortless and natural, and I believe it is what most of us are seeking.

A Week of Gratitude - Day 4

Day 4 and I want to talk about a few things that make me who I am and for which I am most thankful. Though they aren't always easy to deal with and accept at times these three things help keep me centred.

1. The skills and talents I possess and the ones I have yet to discover.

Seems pretty easy to be thankful for the talents you have and the skills you have developed but I think many of us choose only a few traits that we are known for or we think define us in the eyes of others and see those as the ones to be thankful for.  I know I've been fortunate to have the talents I do though I may not make the fullest and most complete use of them at times.  I partly blame that abundance for my lack of clear direction in life - the Jack of All Trades mentality of being able to do a lot of things really well leads one, at times, to be stuck trying to focus on what to pursue and how to best serve.

I grew up watching my dad tackle almost anything he set his mind too, and it became a natural extension of who I am.  Couple that with that curiosity I spoke of earlier and soon you find yourself trying things to see how they are done and you realize that anything IS possible.  If someone can do it - YOU can do it too!  Observe, learn, ask, try, do.  Repeat.

At least that's how my brain works.

But I understand that not everyone seems able to do anything they try.  I know my wife can't draw a cow off the top of her head to save her life.  She doesn't 'see' the world in the way that leads to a natural ability to draw what she sees.  I've always been able to draw and express myself with words, and create and see the end result of plans or concepts in my mind... and I don't like feeling like I've somehow received an inordinate amount of gifts or talents because I think everyone can develop them, but maybe that's not the case, and if it isn't, then I need to mindful of that and celebrate what I can do and how I do it.


2. Migraines and a losing half a finger.

This one is going to sound odd, but I'm thankful for two physical traits/circumstances that many would probably list as things they'd like to change.  Migraines can be a bitch.  No surprise there.  They can be an outright pain, literally, that cause suffers to shut down and put life on hold until they subside.  We've tried a variety of meds and therapies and tests to try and understand what causes them for me and how they manifest and how to lessen their effects - but so far not much helps.  And that's okay.  They have taught me more about myself in the process, and I have learned how to function through the majority of them - not always successfully, and on the way by have learned how I affect those closest to me during the worst episodes - and I love the auras that sometimes occur beforehand - the sensory warning signs - tastes, sounds, kaleidoscope of brilliant moving lights etc that tell me I'm about to be hit with the headache phase...  I've found an expanse of insight through these migraines that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to experience otherwise, and I am grateful for that.



Same goes for losing that half of my middle right finger.  It was a great learning experience and an amazing sensory journey as my body and brain adjusted after the surgery and re-learned to equate time and space with the new end of the finger.  Sure I can't grasp and hold things as securely or with as much strength with that hand as I did before the accident, but that's just life, things change and you adapt.  I like that it is a constant reminder of how quickly life can change, and how life gives you what you need, not what you want.

High Four and a Half!



3. The results of my genetic test results last month.

This one is a no brainer.  And I've talked about it previously, but it certainly is something I am grateful for, given how easily the results could have been the opposite.  Facing a 50/50 chance of having the mutated gene sequence that has been shown to cause ALS in a cohort of familial ALS (with or without accompanying Dementia and/or Parkinson's) I had no reservations about getting tested and knowing what may lie ahead for me and for my family.  I wanted to know.  So I got tested.

50/50.  Flip a coin.  Heads you win, Tails you will at some point in your future become afflicted with a combination of symptoms that will alter your life and will directly lead to your demise.  Not a pretty picture.  No cure, no known treatments yet, no understanding of how or when or in what order you'll begin to notice the changes...

But I got lucky.  If you believe in luck.   Or it was never my fate to discover that path on my journey, if you ascribe to the fate idea.  However you see it, I didn't get that genetic quirk that is in my family, and I did not pass it along to Riley.  Grateful? You bet.  But cautiously so, because I know that is it very likely that not all my siblings will have the same outcome.  This one is a mixed bag, but in my personal list of things to be grateful for, it most certainly is there.

A Week of Gratitude - Day 3

Yesterday I looked a bit inward for the three things I am grateful for, today I'm going to move outward a little and look at the three largest influences and closest things / beings to me and around me most days.

1. Karen.

As much as I wouldn't be who or where I am today without the previous influences and attributes I've discussed, I most certainly wouldn't be me without the support, love, guidance, and friendship of my partner in crime.  In a relationship that has evolved over time as we have grown and changed with life and it's ups and downs, we have carved out a unique partnership that fuels our individual growth and mutual, shared experiences.  It is a give and take that allows me to follow my nature and express myself through many forms - art, writing, design, photography, construction, travel... (everyday it seems that list gets longer) and through it all she is my baseline, my constant, my balance when things get too far from center, my devil's advocate when I need a second opinion, and my kind-hearted reason to keep growing and being a better me.

My dreamer and empathetic animal lover who trusts and believes in the best of everyone, who's heart is always close to the surface, who's emotions run deep and who's love of nature and home and the comforts they bring surrounds me with a warmth and balance and a inner peace like no other.



And thanks to her I am going to include

2. Riley.

He's a source of pride, of frustration, of admiration, of friendship.  He can push my buttons and test my will and my resolve - and then turn around and absolutely stun me with his insight, intuition, knowledge and depth.  He's funny and smart and anxious and awkward.  Demanding, compassionate, aloof and unafraid, fearful and courageous and brave and true.

He has taught me to look at things with a unique perspective and offers another dimension to my time here.  It's been an absolute blast watching him become who he will be - not always easy or fun - but that's the deal.  That entire mixed bag tests me and reinforces me daily and gives me exactly what I need.  And knowing he's always absorbing my habits and influences and my attitudes and perspectives keeps me trying to be my best, for his sake and for mine.



Lastly today I am grateful for

3. The home the three of us have created.

It may not resemble the house we purchased 19 years ago anymore - and I am directly to blame for all of that - but it has allowed the three of us to become a family, to create memories and a bond that strengthens and empowers each of us and all of us together.  It's location and neighbourhood have provided friends and a caring, loving environment to raise a family.  It's yard has provided an oasis and sanctuary where we can retreat and renew or entertain and celebrate and share the experience of life with friends and family.  It is a blank canvas for me to adapt and renew, creating a more harmonious environment with who we are and how we use its spaces.  It is shelter from the extremes of our climate, and a fortress from the outside world where we can escape and decompress. It is an extension of its occupants providing distances between when needed and a sharing of our time and expressions when called for.

It isn't just an address or building or piece of land, it is home.  And it's where my heart is.

A Week of Gratitude - Day 2

For today's list of things I am grateful for, I want to turn inward and look at 3 important things that we all share but don't usually consider much until we are having problems.

Firstly, I am grateful for:

1. My sense of curiosity.  

My overwhelming drive daily is to seek understanding in whatever form it takes, regardless of what activity I find myself engaged in.  Curiosity comes with a desire to solve problems and get to the heart of how things really are, how they work, why they aren't like something else, and why things matter and/or have value.  Related to investigation, exploration and learning it is that basic drive to 'know.'  Without it I wouldn't be who I am, I wouldn't ask the questions I do, wouldn't do the work I do and I wouldn't observe the world around me in the same way that I always have. I wouldn't be drawn to learning new things or examining old ways and practices - and I think this is closely related to imagination and creativity. In reality, I think my sense of curiosity is connected to everything I do.

I didn't choose to be this way so I know nothing else, and find it hard to contemplate a being without such a drive - this might explain my constant search for peace of mind!

I'll have to look into that... :D


Secondly, I am grateful for:

2. The range of emotions I get to experience and feel.  

Now I realize that for most of us emotions are an after-thought, a reaction to events and circumstances happening to us and we take them for granted.  Everyone has them, everyone feels them, and everyone has unique ways of dealing with them and expressing them.

For me I have come to see emotions as a gift, a signal or call to act or think or behave in a certain way depending on the situation.  Beyond the basic pain/pleasure spectrum most of our emotions are a choice, though we don't usually think of them that way, but once we learn to see them in that light, they can be used to serve us rather than us serving them.  This is key if we want to feel like we have control over how we feel vs blaming everything around us for affecting our mood and our attitude.  Choosing how to interpret the meaning of your emotions is key.  Choosing to focus on the positives in a situation vs the negatives is as well.

The range of emotions we can feel is pretty vast, and the subtle nuances between some of them can really indicate what is driving us at any particular point in time. They are a feedback of how I am interacting with the world and constantly provide a source of information for me to process and decide whether to act on the information or stay the course.  But in order to have control over the emotional feedback you have to be paying attention to the signals or focussing on them at some level to be aware that you are receiving them.  Then you have to know that you have a choice how to react, and trust that you can choose.  But it isn't easy.  Too much focus (or stubbornness) on getting something done, or being tired or run down, too many demands on my time and attention can quickly sink me back into reactionary mode vs choosing how to feel about something.  It's a lesson I constantly keep reminding myself to practice.  But I am grateful that I have that opportunity.


And this leads directly into my third item to choose to be grateful for today:

3. My 5 basic senses.

In order to feel anything, we have to be aware of something.  Pretty basic stuff, but also pretty deep if you stop and think about that simple statement, because at the heart of feeling anything at all, is an understanding that it is directly related to whatever it is you are being aware of; whatever it is you are focussing on.  So it follows that if you change your focus you will change what and how you are feeling.  Unless we're talking headaches and reactive type pain - but even then, I'm convinced that if you can shift your focus enough you can negate or distract yourself from some of that 'pain' feedback.

Or drink more rum.  Whichever.

But seriously - feeling boils down to being aware of something, and that is where the 5 basic senses come in.  Yes I know science has identified a boat-load of more basic senses, but I am talking strictly the Big 5. Sight, Sound, Smell, Taste, and Touch.  These are the immediate ways we take in information around us and all 5 are sending feedback to us constantly, allowing us to choose our focus and react accordingly.

If you've ever lost one of your 5 basic senses for any length of time, you know how important that sense is.  Like when you're sick and stuffed up and can't smell things properly, or if you've always had to wear glasses and decided to have corrective surgery - suddenly the world is a different place!  Colors, sounds, tastes, textures.  The world would be a very dull, lifeless place without being able to sense these differences and qualities.  Eating would be a chore if everything tasted the same.  Music would be pointless.  Communication impossible.

Not everyone has all 5.  And that's not fair. And more to the point that's why I am grateful for my 5 main senses and everything they allow me to experience and discover constantly.


Tomorrow I think I'll look outward a bit for my next 3 choices.

A week of Gratitude - Day 1

To begin this week long exercise of listing three things each day for which I am grateful, I want to start back where it all began for me, and that is with

1. The Family I was born into

Whether I chose the time and place or whether it was the miracle of circumstance mixed with fate, the end result was the same, and for that I am most grateful.  Growing up in a family that didn’t know divorce or violence or any number of the afflictions that allow Jerry Springer to have a television career is something I took for granted, but now see as a great cornerstone for my life so far.  Learning to exist within a family and how to compromise and deal with shared experiences and limited time and resources shaped me into who I am becoming.  I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for the people most closest to me and most influential in my early development.  It would be easy then to list off my parents and my siblings as other things I am grateful for, but I’m going to leave them lumped here together and move on.

As much as Family had an important role in helping form the earliest of my character, I next want to focus my gratitude on

2. All the Teachers I have met so far along my journey

I’m lumping a lot of people into one small category and it would probably be most productive for me to delve deeper into this list later but for now I want to acknowledge all those who I have had the pleasure of coming into contact with who have given me something of themselves and their knowledge and abilities to help me grow and learn.  I was fortunate to have a motley crew of early teachers in school – the good, the bad and the ugly – this allowed me to figure out how to learn when the teacher and I didn’t always connect,  and gave me a greater appreciation for those that were natural at reaching kids and imparting their love of knowledge.  But teachers aren’t only found in schools or colleges or Universities and some of my best teachers have been complete strangers who have provided me with opportunities to grow as a person through the mundane and regular activities of everyday life.  The cashier at the grocery store having a rough day and not really being present during our transaction; the receptionist at the doctor’s office who’s grace under pressure never ceases to amaze me; the patient father at the rink with 3 young kids in tow watching their oldest brother play who somehow keeps everything in balance and in perspective…

To all of you I owe at least my heartfelt thanks.

And lastly this morning I want to state how grateful I am for

3. the Freedom we possess in this society

To be able to do something as simple as create this list is something we take for granted and hold it to be self-evident but we know this isn’t the case for a great majority of those that share this planet.  It is one of the greatest gifts we have given each other.  To be free to move without restriction, to think about whatever and however we chose, to experience the world around us as easily as we do is truly remarkable once we step back and realize how many people can not – for a variety of reasons and circumstances.  It should be available to all, but we know it isn’t, and we know it doesn’t come without a cost, and for this I am truly thankful. Freedom to choose, to disagree, to help, to hurt, to ignore, to become involved, to learn, to grow, to give, to love…

The genesis of this list of gratitude is really predicated on the enormous number of freedoms we have, and I am certain I could write pages in support of this aspect of my life, but I want to keep this daily list manageable – both in terms of you being able to read it and comment on it, and also for me to be able to write it!

I’ll ponder more about these three today and see where it takes me.

A week of Gratitude

I have been nominated by a good friend Teresa Roy to write a post each day for the next week listing 3 things for which I am grateful. The goal of these kinds of challenges is to quietly and slowly change the way we see our world; shifting away from the consumer-oriented “more stuff equals happiness” towards the centered, inward focused appreciation of all that surrounds us on a regular basis. By taking stock of the abundance around us which we often take for granted, we can change our perspective and our clarity and ultimately manifest a more balanced interaction with our world.

It is easy to do these types of personal inventories with little regard to their outcomes or to quickly write down the first things that pop into your head (not a bad way to begin if you’re stuck) or to hide behind the cover of humor instead of really digging into who we are and learning more about what makes us tick. We’ve all been guilty of doing this at one time or another. It is far easier to just skim the surface of a personal reflection than to get in there and do the heavy lifting. But we’re only cheating ourselves if we take the short cut.

If you’ve been following my Random reidings for any period of time you know that I’m not usually afraid to dig deeper into those dark recesses of my self to expand my understanding of my world, and on the way by, draw conclusions and summaries of what I’ve seen or pieced together hoping you can find some greater understanding of yourself through my observations. I have always seen and watched my world through some observational role, constantly making notes of everything; processing it all on subconscious levels, finding patterns, drawing conclusions, testing theories – without once thinking about it. It’s what I’ve always done, it’s what I’ve always known.

And you wonder why I get migraines?

So in that vein, come with me over the next 7 days as I dig down into what I am really grateful for in my life. No, this won’t be just a quick three line post each day – I think you know me better than that by now. I’ll provide some depth and reflection to this to help take advantage of the exercise and to cement those feelings of gratitude so they become real, daily reminders of the important things around me. And hopefully I’ll jog something in you on the way by, something that causes you to stop and reflect and notice things more closely. If you can, don’t just read and then like my post, but comment on it, provide some feedback and some context so we can discuss things as we go. That way we can all progress together.

Because really, that’s my ultimate goal: To help everyone around me (by starting with myself first) grow and learn more about themselves and each other so we can all move forward together making our world a better place as we go.

The Play's the Thing

A steady slow soaking rain to start the Sunday, the summer slipping away again.  The tops of the trees are showing more yellows and browns than a week ago and the over-night lows are back in the 'almost need a light jacket' range.  Students heading back to school next week and though the calendar insists we still have another 3 weeks, it seems like Fall is ready to return to her throne to ease us back into the comforts and certainty of our routines and schedules.

We took advantage of the city's cultural offerings these last couple weeks, theatre to be exact, first catching a stunning performance of Wicked, as the latest North American tour set up shop in town for almost 2 weeks at the Centennial Concert Hall.  Then last  Wednesday we enjoyed a local production of Disney's the Little Mermaid at the semi-outdoor Rainbow Stage in Kildonan Park.  A contrast of audiences and show types to be sure, but both shows reminded us of the depth and variety of talents our fellow humans possess, and of the power of story telling to entertain and distract, and why the arts are important.

Transporting audiences to another conscious level through acting, song and accompanied orchestral score is no small feat.  The talents and skills of hundreds of people are needed to successfully produce a 2 plus hour show flawlessly night after night, performance after performance, teamwork of the highest order that culminates in a seamless journey into the fantasy world created on stage. Behind the costumes and make up, ordinary people delve deep to find the passion and the poise to become something or someone other than who they normally are, slipping into and out of characters to delight and amaze, to tell stories and to entertain audiences familiar with their roles.

We get lost in their performances, and accept the absurd and the fantastical without question, delighting in the dialogue, the humour and the banter. Transfixed, we watch in awe as soaring voices and mastered instruments become one in song; solo and ensemble furthering the storyline in grand, and at times unbelievable, fashion.  Until, at the show's finale, we stand and applaud their efforts, selflessly giving our approval and acceptance and heartfelt gratitude for their hard work and determined effort, and then we return to the familiar and routine, enriched by the experience and moved on levels we weren't expecting.
The theatre. A grand art form of shared experience.

Sandwiched between the two shows last week, we learned of my aunt's passing after suffering a massive heart attack, likely linked to the stroke she had suffered 2 weeks earlier at home, where she and her husband were valiantly dealing with her progressively worsening condition.  Like my mom, my aunt had inherited one of the genetic mutations recently discovered to be somehow responsible for ALS, and in this mutation's case, with or without Fronto-temporal Dementia, and or with or without Parkinsonian symptoms.

My aunt battled breast cancer before the signs and symptoms of Parkinson's appeared, and then the dementia slowly crept in too... The timing of her passing in the midst of this summer's ALS Ice Bucket Challenge campaign is notable, especially in our family where the disease(s) are now known to exist.

We attended her funeral last Thursday and in the soaring spaces of the church's sanctuary we listened as her children shared their stories and recollections of her life, working through their loss to find meaning and purpose in their mother's time here with them.  Friends and colleagues shared stories of their times together, of her many years touching lives if children as an early years educator, front and center in the development of future character.  Through song and scripture we sat and contemplated her life and our remembrances of her, of them, of family.

The formality of service makes for quiet contemplation, and as I sat and listened to the outpouring of emotion and the sharing of lessons learned and the ways in which she had affected those around her, I was struck by how different the person being portrayed at the front of the church seemed from the person I had known personally, my interactions and memories influenced and affected by my experiences no doubt, and also I'm sure, by the distance both physical in terms of growing up in different cities, but also spiritually as well - my aunt and uncle having "found Jesus Christ in 1963" as we would be reminded on numerous occasions during the funeral and afterward as we enjoyed refreshments and mingled communally in the church gymnasium...

Whatever you need to help you deal with this reality, I guess.  If it works for you and brings you peace and happiness? Go for it.  

Of course no funeral has ever truly allowed those in the pews to fully realize the nature and true character of the dearly departed. We gloss over the less than pretty warts and scars to which all lives are prone, and we focus instead on the virtues and traits that elevate our final memories of our loved one and serve to give us comfort and closure; meaning and sense from the pain and sorrow.  A life reduced to summary, edited for detail and milestones, punctuated with personal insight and anecdote. Music and song and verses and scripture to tell the story of a life well lived.  An audience solemnly seated in the wooden rows, listening to shared private experiences.

Shakespeare was correct:

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances..."
As You Like It, Act II Scene VII


The theatre.  A funeral. The arts.  Costumes and characters and make up and elaborate sets. Scores and scripts and scenery. Song and dance and storey lines; Joy and sorrow, drama and comedy.  This play has it all.  Let's see what talents we possess.  Show them what you can do. You don't have all day though, get out of the audience and up on stage before the curtain falls.  There won't be an encore...

I just won the lottery!

Some days change your life in ways you never fully expect or understand until some time has passed and things can be seen with greater clarity.  The day I had my table saw accident and subsequently had a good portion of my middle finger removed by the plastic surgeon is one of those days.  You learn things about yourself and how you view the world and your place in it at times like that.  At least I know I did.  Other days you life changes instantly and you know it right then and there.  No need to wait and ponder the events, no deeper understanding needs to be developed.

Today was one of those days. I won the lottery this morning.

I know, it doesn’t sound real.  Trust me.  I had to pinch myself to make sure I heard the news correctly at first too.  Oh wait – no – not THAT lottery – don’t come asking for money or camping out on our front step pretending to be related to us – and for those of you who are related to us – yeah, even if it were THAT lottery you’d still be SOL.  No I’m talking about a bigger lottery and one that many people would gladly pay enormous sums to win if they could have the opportunity to do things over.

Many of you will know that last year we lost my mom to ALS and FTD – a combination of motor neuron disease that steals away muscle’s ability to grow and thrive until eventually you are left in some state of paralysis and certain respiratory failure, and also a nasty form of brain atrophy that affects an individual’s cognitive and decision making abilities depending on areas affected, robbing them of their former character and personality.  It is a brutal spectrum-type disorder that can also manifest Parkisonian symptoms as well.

What many of you didn’t know is that her condition was inherited and she received mutated genetic material from her father who suffered a similar fate years earlier.  In this genetic mutation’s case, the traits are passed down in an autosomal dominant fashion, meaning that children of an afflicted individual will have a 50/50 chance of having that same affliction.  

This particular genetic mutation is rare.  And from all research to date having the mutation means one will develop the disease spectrum at some point in their lifetime.  No cure.  No known treatment or drugs to help alleviate symptoms.  No idea when it will begin to strike, or in what capacity.  And if you have it, you are at risk of passing it on to your children.

So for me (and my brothers and sister) I either got mom’s corrupted gene, or I got dad’s, which by all accounts and anecdotal family medical history should be clean. 

A 50/50 chance.

A flip of life’s coin.

Not just for me, but also for my son potentially.

It’s been news that I have sat with, lived with, thought about and pondered for a year and a half since we got the news about mom’s positive test results months before she passed away.

I apologize for not being as present during that period of time as maybe I should have been or could have been.  You’ll forgive me if I seemed distracted or distant or if maybe my behavior seemed ‘different’ or ‘odd.’  I didn’t mean to be.  I was dealing with a decision that needed careful thought and deliberate intention.

Genetic testing was offered to all at-risk family members.  I was an early proponent for being tested, as soon as I knew I was at risk, I wanted to know what I might be dealing with.  Not everyone in my family shared my desire for knowledge, and I respect that.  We each have our own road to travel in this lifetime.  What is right for me may not be right for anyone else.

I get that totally, and completely respect the decision not to get tested.  It is a difficult choice for many to try and make.  It isn’t easy navigating the possible outcomes or ramifications of the disease and it’s effect on those around you, on your lifestyle, on your career…

But for me, I HAD to know. I need information in order to make decisions – I trust my intuition only so far – and I can’t plan if I don’t have all the facts.  So after ensuring I knew as much as I possibly could about the science and the disease pathology and similar genetic testing methodologies and in consultation with the Medical Director of Genetics and Metabolism at our largest hospital, I chose to get tested this past spring.

I got my results this morning in person.  Karen and I waiting as the doctor opened the sealed envelope and read the results to himself before turning to us.

“Congratulations! You just won the lottery.”

I am not at risk.  I am not a carrier of the mutated section of genetics.  I did not pass this disease along to Riley…

For the past few months I have been moving forward in life with a gut level sense of the results coming back positive.  Not in an anxious, worrying about the results kind of way, but I think as a means of preparing myself for the possibility of what I might have heard this morning if I had lost the coin toss.  A way of dealing with the possible eventuality should it come to pass.  A way of sorting out the issues for myself and providing a sense of understanding what it all means in the grandest scheme possible.

It was not a waste of my time or my energy to do so.  In fact, it was what I absolutely needed to do to be prepared to face the news one way or the other.  And now I know.

I won the lottery today.  The bank account doesn’t look any different than it did yesterday, but the future looks considerably brighter, and I am far more richer than I was.    

The nature of things

A slightly breezy June morning, the sun trying to find its way around and through the light cloud cover, the trees dancing in time to the music in the wind – everything is green again and it seems like maybe we’re safe to say it will soon be summer.  The evenings are still cool but the mid-day sun is packing a punch of refreshing warmth that will later intensify to the point where we may dare to call it too hot, but after the winter we experienced, we’ll take our chances.  And so it’s June, school here is almost done for another year and I’ve been gone from here too long, busy with changes again.

Or maybe still.  The changes this time around are many and at times have overlapped to the point where we’ve been forced to just accept life is lived inside a construction site some times, and I’m grateful that no one has plotted a mutiny, not that anyone could blame them – but still, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been spared this long only because they need me around to finish the job…

Change for the sake of change is what this appears to those on the outside, enlarging the kitchen by way of relocating the stairs and walls that originally kept this house a series of distinct rooms, each with a singular purpose, connected yet still apart.  A few weeks of coordinated demolition took care of that, and after careful reconstruction we have the bones of a unified space that flows between areas, allowing light and air to circulate and for us to be everywhere and nowhere all at once.  I was looking at old pictures of the house from when we bought it 19 years ago, and save for 3 original doorway locations, it doesn’t resemble it’s former self in any respect.  By the time I finish this project, there will not be any space we haven’t touched, altered, refined or relocated. 

I’m reminded of that philosophical question all first-year students are asked to consider: if you take your brand-new car and replace it piece by piece with new and identical parts – at what point does it cease to be the same car?  Or does it remain the same regardless?  From the street, from the aerial view, and from almost every vantage point inside this building, it is not the same house it was before it became ours.  But yet it is and always will be. Gradual changes do not seem to reduce the nature of things, though we know on some level that things are not what they were, not different, not the same.

And so it is with us – like the car in that philosophy question, physically we have undergone many complete changes of the basic building blocks of human existence as our cells die and get replaced, yet we are still who we were, just older perhaps, age and growth of course alter appearances, but the underlying you-ness remains.  Mentally though I’m not sure the comparison remains valid, as this seems to be the area in which we can more easily measure larger changes over time, and where it seems more likely you could argue that we do not remain that which we were.  We age and we grow, but we’re still us.  Same, but different. 

And so it is with the house, to those of us who see the changes day by day and who will experience the results of those changes for years to come, that this round of changes is not just for the sake of change but has been planned and designed to increase our enjoyment and efficiency of our time here, mindful of what we had and what we endured along the way inside these walls, all the while maintaining the history of the structure in balance with the new additions. 

Bigger, more useful spaces offset by reductions in areas that create more intimate spaces.  Growth and alterations that remove signs of age yet will, in time, show their age.  Postponing the inevitable perhaps. Different, but same.

Like Spring now turning into Summer, life is all about changes.  Many small, gradual ones that over time amount to something bigger and more noticeable, like the bare trees, which are now green.  The petals from the blossoms have fallen, about to be replaced with fruit; the flowers busy bursting with color and texture.  The grass grows high and we mow it down to size to keep it manageable.  Exams are being written, and soon the school doors will be thrown open and the kids will be free for a few months to forget what they learned over the previous ten, until they return in the Fall.

It’s June.  And we’re talking changes.  Constant, natural, evident ones in the trees and flowers on the outside, and for some of us deliberate, planned, and sometimes less obvious ones on the inside.  Both types move us forward closer to our goals, further to the ultimate design and when the dust settles long enough for us to see things clearly, it’s obvious that we are all really just carpenters in this lifetime, each of us building lives as we go. Hopefully we finish the job before our deadline.

Cats and crooked oaks

It's after 4 and I'm awake thanks to the low rolling rumble of that massive Russian transport plane that lands here monthly or thereabouts, a refuelling stop on its journey over the top of the world; a middle of the night, under the cover of darkness pitstop for a tired crew but now the stale sleepless air of the darkened room seems heavier and more uncomfortable, and my foggy brain contemplates returning to sleep as I shift and turn and flip the pillow to uncover the cool fresh side, hoping to quell the rising storm of random thoughts beginning to call for my attention.      I know it's pointless so I shuffle into the blackness and down the hall, a sliver of moon or maybe streetlight falling across the far end, giving me just enough hope of not stubbing my toe as I navigate the shadows to the front room.  In the shadows I can make out the black cat curled upon his post and he lifts a furry head at my hand's direction and satisfied at finding me at the other end of the outstretched arm, returns his head between his paws and turns deeper into his unfinished task.  The darkness outside is beginning to lighten, revealing the crooked oak across the street, stars still dot the sky above and twinkle through the swaying branches, though the morning's dawn will soon begin to consume them and I think about the day ahead, the possibilities and responsibilities and wonder if once it concludes if I'll feel more content with where I am and what I'm doing, or if maybe tomorrow will just bring more of the same.  The other cat silently appears and joins me on the couch, kneading and pulling at my blanket as he searches for the perfect spot to settle somewhere on my feet, taking more of my discomfort with every longer stretch until he's buried deep between the folds.  It's simple really if you watch them and their approach to life, just being what they are without any pretense or airs or questioning of its validity.  Meeting needs as they arise, fulfilling their purpose ever-present, sliding simply between being and doing until the line blurs to perfection.  A muted yawn and one last stretch and he slips back into sleep not yet prepared to face a day that hasn't yet arrived, and it becomes clear that we could learn much if we'd only get out of our own way...

Renovating your Reality

It’s been a long, cold, ugly winter out there. Mountains of shoveled snow line the driveways and intersections; streets become frozen lakes when the water mains freeze and burst open throwing their pressurized contents upwards and into the frozen ice-world above like some Disney movie heroine struggling to find her identity; and as the season progresses the streets crumble and give way from below - the gaping potholes lie in wait to damage tires and rims and turn the daily commute into a trek across some Arctic minefield.

We've had enough.

That temptress Spring returned briefly last week, showing just enough leg and bare concrete to entice the winter-weary, stirring forgotten passions and lustful yearnings for garden centers and potting soils and just as quickly as she turned our heads she disappeared, taking with her our last, dying hope of getting through March unscathed.

The winter carnivals are over and gone, Spring break is on the horizon, and if you believe the calendar the new Season has officially arrived, but we know better, and we aren’t fooled, though we want to be.  The high school does its best to lift ailing hearts with Spirit Week and the annual career symposium, but we all know we’re stuck in that dreary in-between world, not quite where we want to be, and not quite free from the holds of our pasts, prisoners of time and place.  Cold and flu season adds insult to injury, robbing us of what little energy and motivation we have left, mopping running noses and soothing sore throats and coughs, mired in medications that dull the aches and pains.

And so we wait again.

The renovations are in full swing and progress has been plenty on all fronts – though this past week saw nothing moving forward until around Friday morning, thanks to a sinus infection that had me praying for a simple migraine to ease my suffering, but illness-induced rest and plenty of fluids and I’m almost feeling human again – enough to begin planning the upcoming week’s schedule and thinking about where I’d like to see this project in a week’s time.  The structure has been removed and replaced with engineered lintels to carry the roof loads as planned and we’re enjoying the increased space and abundance of natural light that had been trapped and blocked by the original house design. 

We’ve become accustomed to the chaos and upheaval that is construction – the missing areas of finished floor, the dangled wires and exposed framing, the relocated services and storage and the dance to find the things we need that are no longer where they once were.  And more than once each of us has turned the old direction to head downstairs and found ourselves standing in the middle of the kitchen like an Alzheimer’s patient searching for the unseen.  But we catch ourselves and turn the right way, the new way, and continue on, adapting to the new route and reinforcing the muscle and mental memory of how to navigate our own home.

Change is a grand thing if you can survive the transition period.  It has taken me a long time but I think I’ve finally begun to understand that critical life lesson.  While we are naturally resistant to it we crave it just the same and somewhere along that spectrum of same-different new-unknown, we each find our level of comfort and freedom to be who we are meant to be.  Understanding that each of us has varying levels of change tolerance is critical too for we can’t force others to accept change at more than their comfortable pace – though we can all grow and tolerate more change if we take our time and move forward slowly together.  It helps if everyone involved is on the same page and has the same vision of the future – but that relies on shared communication and mutual interests and we know how difficult it can be to get a group (never mind family) consensus on anything.

In the case of a renovation good plans and shared design sense are key to a harmonious transition from the old to the new and improved, else one of you is going to get what they want and have in mind and the other is just going to get what they get – now depending on which one of you ‘cares’ most about the outcome and whose level of unhappiness with the current state of affairs is greatest might dictate the direction and degree of change involved. There’s nothing worse than an apathetic stakeholder in the change process however – they’ll maintain and swear they really don’t care about the details along the way – despite repeated queries and assurances, but you know they’ll be the first to voice displeasure with the final outcome for any of a number of possible reasons: emotional inaccessibility, passive-aggressive tendencies, lack of commitment to the planned changes or pure bull-head stubbornness. 

Open, honest, shared communication is key. 

And really when you boil it all down, that’s true no matter what the nature of the change.  We know at our very basic core that we must change and grow in order to survive – that’s just the reality of being human – and accepting that fact can be scary and unsettling and it might bring out fears and emotional scars of past changes that didn’t work well or didn’t provide obvious improvements – but we can not stay where we are for any length of time without dying and withering in some way.  Preparation is key – we need to have a general understanding of where we want to get to before we begin or we won’t have any idea how to get there, or when we’ve arrived.

Funny how some of us forget that, and blindly dive into changing things around us for the sake of change; for the thrill and uncertainty of making things new and different around us, to live on the edge and push the envelop of safety and security we normally operate inside.  A new paint colour, new hair style, new relationship – you know who you are – anything to feel different than how we do presently, but without really digging deeper into understanding what it is about the current reality that has us feeling trapped or fearful or unhappy and in search of change.  Without knowing why you want change, and moving toward a vague, undefined goal, you are apt to find yourself in exactly the same mental and emotional state you left – just surrounded with new things and places and people.  And soon you’ll be looking to make another change…

Some of us are quite content to exist like dust in the wind, happily being thrown along life’s path, tossed and turned this way and that as situations and opportunities change and fluctuate around them, easily able to adapt to the new and unknown and seemingly able to thrive no matter where they end up.  Others prefer to live like rocks, anchored and stable and content to be just as they are currently, seeing no need for new and improved when the tried and true have been just fine, thank you very much, fighting even the most basic changes around them, clinging to the familiar.  Most however are somewhere between the two extremes, holding on here and letting go there, shifting from being in control of the change process to being changed by the process no matter how hard they fight it, struggling to exist between the two and make it work along the way.  We’re blind to it and don’t understand why we feel the stress we do, ignorant of the battle that rages around us constantly, not becoming an active partner in the process that will ultimately determine who we become and where we end up.

And so we curse our current situations and long for new and better and explain away our limitations to chance or location or outside influence instead of owning up to what we’ve done to get us to where we are today.

It will be a few more months until we can say we’ve entered the home stretch in these renovations; until we will be able to truly see the end in sight and begin to get excited about the future way we’ll exist inside the re-created and expanded spaces.  For now we’re content to see the progress in little stages bit by bit, knowing we’re heading toward something better and more able to suit the way we live in this house; something that will give us more room to be who we are and who we are becoming.

But just to be human, we’ll still find it easier to stand and look out the front window complaining that the temptress Spring hasn’t returned than to accept and embrace the cold reality of winter, shoveling be damned.

Stuck at Home

Peering out the high window in the back door, the swirling, tumbling curtains of snow blow down off the roof and onto the deck, or what used to be the deck until Mother Nature decided we needed fairly constant reminders of the date on the calendar and provided us with endless opportunities for free, productive exercise on the end of a shovel.  It’s become old hat now, an old tale that we know by heart, we wake and it will be cold; at some point it will snow and before long people will be complaining about the City not clearing the roads quickly enough…

Welcome to January!  Somehow it’s become awhile since we last talked and caught up on things – that’s my fault – distracted by vacation in late November, then the allure of Christmas though this year we hit the road, well air, and spent the Holidays elsewhere hoping to distract and numb the realities of the past year rather than face them head on during a time filled with so many memories of year’s and better times past.  And then this bitter arctic loneliness descended and stayed here as it usually does but not so early, January is one thing, but early December is quite another, and now we find ourselves a week from expecting a groundhog to tell us the forecast.

Good luck with that Phil.

The snow banks beside the driveways have grown to the point where adults can now be lost behind them, children stand in awe and proclaim them sovereign territory, and me? I just keep trying to throw the next shovelful over the top though I know it won’t be long before I’ll need a longer shovel or a better plan.

It’s exam week over at the high school and the prisoners are busy memorizing and copying and finally learning what they should have picked up in the fall, some shooting for the honor roll, some aiming just above the bar of futility, most somewhere in between wishing they had taken better notes or asked the wardens a bit more about linear functions and solving by substitution…

The boy is confident he’ll maintain his A average this term and we’re happy to see he’s become interested in his classes and grades and is putting in effort finally.  School had been (and still is) a social gathering place for him, the lessons and studies from the front of the classrooms distractions from the real world issues of friends and fun and fooling around, but somewhere in the transition to high school he shifted focus and accepted he has ability and can use his powers for good instead of evil, and while it continues to be a work in progress regarding respecting the position of authority leading the class – no idea where he gets that from (guilty as charged -  he really is my son) he is finding that inner drive that will serve him going forward.

Sure wish I knew where my inner drive went.  I think it drove away long ago.

That’s not entirely true.  I blame these last two months and this winter’s weather cycle of bitterly stupid cold.  It’s becoming an annual habit, sucking the life out of me creatively and mentally, leaving me in a disinterested stupor of sorts blindly pushing forward until I catch some traction.  It’s what I know, and what I push against to start every year.  The new calendar doesn’t bring surges of wonder and inspired delight at what might lie ahead, instead I find the first few pages monotonous in their sameness, cold and barren cells waiting to be crossed off an endless list.  

Resolutions?  New beginnings? Changes? Yeah, those will have to wait a few more days until I’m finally able to shake off this slump and start hitting the ball out of the park again.  The bat is heavy and the ball seems to dip just as I swing, never quite on it’s mark, and maybe my back elbow is flying a bit too high as I cock it back…  I know it’s something I’m doing and something I can control – it’s not the pitcher and it’s not the ball – so it must be me.  Getting tired of striking out.  Just gotta keep swinging and trying little changes and then I’ll get a hit.

I’m on the verge of starting round two (or is it round three? Four?) of the renovations to the house, and this time it’s real.  Staring with opening up walls and moving the back stairs to enlarge the kitchen.  But first it’s getting the basement area cleaned out so I can build the bar down there that will function as our kitchen while the upstairs area is torn apart.  It was awhile getting to this point, but Monday the demo bin gets delivered and the sledge hammers come out and we’ll make like Miley on her wrecking ball – though I’ll be fully dressed and there won’t be any licking of anything, and, um, let’s just move beyond that disturbing image, shall we?

So it’s demo, then opening for new stairs, tear out old stairs, build bar area, gut kitchen, move walls, reroute electrical and HVAC, rebuild kitchen, refinish hardwoods, baseboards and trim, paint, bring in new furniture and appliances… and somewhere in all that, remember to breathe, take the boy to and from hockey, enjoy the process and keep you up to date on the way by.

The snow continues to swirl down off the roof and it whistles by my window as it drifts across the yard and over the road, smoothing over the angular banks and leveling off the landscape.  There’s no sense in going out and trying to impose my sense of order to the driveway just yet, Nature’s got her mind made up about what I need today.  She’s in charge.  I just need to relax and let her lead the way, and then she’ll throw me an easy pitch and I’ll get my game back on track, you’ll see.  Somewhere in all the upcoming chaos is my chance; I just need to wait for my pitch.